Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Ethereal Entity #7

I'm so tired. I've started university this week. It's alright but at the same time I feel kind of alone. I mean, I know today was only my second day and I seem to be making a good enough impression on the people around me, but I still feel alone. I'm missing a lot of people, despite the fact that I haven't left home. I'm also angry with a friend and I've finally given up on another. There's no point in being friends with Jonno any more. I'm not impressed. You try to talk to him and he ignores you etc etc. I'm just giving up on him. He doesn't care and quite frankly I cannot be bothered any more. Of course, it still bothers me that it's come to this, but what's the point? We made every attempt to keep him included but he backs out of everything and it honestly seems more like his girlfriend, Amy, is more bothered about him seeing his friends than he is. And that's just not right.

So yeah...

And it would have been nice to talk to him about how I was finding Scarborough since he was there last year, but obviously I can't. There have been loads of things I've wanted to talk to him about but he's gone out of his way to avoid talking to me. And that really kind of hurts because his opinion meant something to me.

Then there's Nat and the fact that she's been shagging Giles before she left for uni. It kind of makes me angry that she's said she wouldn't go back there because he's not good enough for her and yet she's gone and done exactly that. The thing that probably makes me most angry is that she's splashed it all over facebook and so has he. It probably makes me more angry since she's made several points of telling me to stop talking about Stephen and just get over him. I would never have told her that. And, if I really have to justify myself, I need someone to talk to about it... and sometimes it just slips out without my meaning to say it. And after it slips out I realise what I've said and hurt inside because I've voiced something out aloud again.

I shouldn't have to feel pain for saying something out aloud; that's what got me in that mess before.

I'm saying nothing to her about it or I'll explode. And I'm ready to explode anyway.

My shoulder is burning from where the strap of my bag lies. It's really heavy and I think it's straining my muscles. All my neck muscles are stiff and sore. Ugh. And I've done so much walking it's not even funny. And driving too, but I prefer driving. I've been driving from Scarborough all the way home. It's fun except that there are so many bloody roundabouts on the Brid road so I speed up and then slow down and then sped up and then slow down again. It's so annoying. I'm so glad I can drive, though. Tbh, it seems to relax me more than anything else right now. I mean, I'm only getting to sleep because I'm so exhausted. I guess the sea air helps too.

I think if I found out he had a girlfriend I'd be sick.

I can't write. I want to. I really want to. I need to get to Book 4 so I can get everything going in that. I know exactly what's going to happen in that book and it's so exciting. It's just getting there. And I need to write the big scene in this book too because it's gonna take some co-ordinating. Ugh. I dunno.

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

*headdeskforsmilingatmemoriesthatdidn'tusedtohurtsomuch*

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Ethereal Entity #6

Brand New - Jaws Theme Swimming

In a car outside,
We stalk the idle kind.
If you're leaving,
Just let me know.
Tobacco and peppermint,
Dusting for fingerprints.
A film in her eyes from the glow.
Some rules are made
With all intentions to break and she
Defends it with a warped rationale.

And I've seen what happens to the
Wicked and
proud when they
Decide to try to take on
The throne for the crown.

And we learn as we age.
Wait for nothing
And
my body still aches.
And you take
'Cause they give.
Though
I love you
And
my body it leaks like a sieve.


When it got old outside,
Smoke beneath the playground lights.
If you're coming home,
Just let me know.
Sucking on your breath mint,
Dissected and stuck with pins.
A film in her eyes from the glow.

Concrete and water,
She's looking for her daughter
At midnight in torrential downpour.
And everything I said about
How messed up your head is,
Were cut up and left in
Bits and pieces on the ground.


And we learn as we age.
Wait for nothing
And my body still
aches.
And you take
'Cause they give.
Though I love you
And my body it
leaks like a sieve.


And we learn as we age.
Wait for nothing
And my body still aches.
And you take
'Cause they give.
Though
I love you
And my body it leaks like a sieve.

Take the picture from the wall
When you think that nothing matters.
Take the picture from the frame
And it's a long ways to the floor.
Cut your finger on the edge
'Cause it's sharper than they told you.
Take a leap from out the window
'Cause
it's way too far to go through the door.


[instrumental]

And we learn as we age...
Wait for
nothing
And my body
still aches.
And
you take
'Cause they
give.

Though
I love you
And my body it leaks like a sieve.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Ethereal Entity #5

Why did I have to notice that? WHY DO I NOTICE EVERYTHING???!!!!!


Goddamn FUCKING BASTARD ARSEHOLING WANKING ARGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


-.-

Just... I don't even know which emotion to feel first.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Ethereal Entity #4

I've been crying a lot tonight. First off because I watched a really sad, art house type film called The Fountain. And secondly... moreso because I think I needed to cry. I'm not one of those people who can cry and feel at least fairly comfortable about it. I hate crying in front of people. My mum always tells me to stop being silly when I cry in front of her. Sadly, I don't think she really understands me. There are things about us that are similar, but in essence we are entirely different people. I don't cope as well as she does with situations and I don't think she's ever realised that. I let my emotions get the best of me and I'm not very verbal about them... even when I'm angry. I can get to the point where I'm so angry that I twitch, but still there's a little voice inside my head stopping me from letting it all out... which, I think, is why I really started writing these journals. I can get it out on paper so much better and it doesn't just bleed away.

I'm not sleeping too well, still. Past few nights my dreams have been pretty scary too.

I just want something to love. - that's one of those things I don't say.

And that's not why I started going out with Stephen. I dunno why I'm writing this, but it's late... and when it's late is when I tend to let my thoughts come together more and since I'm not telling anyone in particular, I don't have to worry about what might hurt them or how they'd react. And I can imagine that they would react in the way that I'd want. Anyway, back to the point. That's not why I started with him. [And yes I keep banging on about this and I am going to do so until he's cleared out of my system somehow. I don't care what Nat says. Really I don't. She can say I shouldn't talk about him and that I should be over him but if so then she should stop talking about and to Giles... which she hasn't and she spent most of Saturday night following him around and talking to him over the phone. To me, that is -not- over him.] I started with him because I'd liked him from the off. From the moment I registered him. I say that because he used to follow me around with Charlie et al yelling stuff at me about Tim because he supposedly fancied me. So I'd kept my head down and just walked away. I'd never registered their faces. The only one that stood out was Charlie because he was the ringleader.

That's an odd thing that I miss. That he's short but not too short and his shoulders are broad. They seem even moreso because he stands with them jarred a lot. And he seems shorter than he is because he hunches.

After the whole disaster with James, I didn't think I'd even like Stephen so much. I thought that I'd probably have to end it because somehow he wouldn't compare and I wouldn't want to hurt him by being untrue to him.

And if I'm not true to myself then what's the point in anything?

I didn't love him from the start, but no matter what he said, there was a spark. I've been thinking a lot about that quote that I posted in the Favourite Quotes thread. Immature love is loving someone because you need them. And I think that's why I loved James. I needed him even if he didn't know it and never took the challenge. I needed him because I thought he could hold me together and that he would listen to me and because he was all mine. Nobody else I knew IRL knew him. And I guess that made him special in a way. He met every single thing on the list I'd made of what my perfect guy would be... but that's not what it's about, is it? I realised that, even if Stephen hasn't - which he can't have if the reason the relationship failed was my many faults [oh and the fact that there was no spark]. And for the record, I'm amazed how calm I'm being writing this.

Back to my point.

It turned out that James was never who I really wanted. And Stephen was. And I should maybe have told him. And he really does have an awful lot of faults. I just loved his faults, that was all. And that, in my opinion, is what love really is. I mean, I really really hate that sneering smile he does when he thinks he's right. I always have hated it... but at the same time... I wouldn't ever want him without it. Even his OCD.

What was the point I was trying to make?

*rereads*

Oh yeah. I didn't love him from the start. It just crept on me. And as it crept on me, I questioned myself about it. I never wanted to say anything to him that was a lie. And I don't think I ever did lie. There were just moments when I wanted to whisper to him that I loved him... but I didn't when I first felt them because even though I thought he cared a lot, I didn't think he loved me back and I didn't want to pressure him into telling me a lie.

When he said it, he said it of his own accord.

So maybe that's what gets me about him saying that he never loved me. Maybe it's partly because he knew that James had said that too and that was one way he could crush me. Which is why I unthoughtfully made the comment about him being an asshole just like James. Sad thing is, he was doing the same thing James did as well. Cold wall of arrogance. And when I answered his 'see you later' with 'no you won't'... I never meant it... And I was shaking... And that fast walking with my head down... that was me running away because I didn't know what else to do...



Anyway... bed time for me. I need to pry myself out of bed to go to my job centre appointment at 1.15. It's in Driff but I'll probably have to walk and since I keep sleeping in until three because I can't physically get to sleep; it might be worth a shot to try. Just getting everything out on here somehow makes me feel more inner calm than anything.

The main thing I really wanted to say was about that quote thing. Because MATURE love is supposed to be where you need someone because you love them. And I need him but the only reason I have is that I love him. It's not as if my self-esteem is in the gutter like it was after James so I don't need him for that, which it might have seemed like I did because it picked up when things with Stephen started. It's not. I just... I love him. And there's nothing I can really add to that.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Ethereal Entity #3

This really isn't fair. Really it's not. Part of me wants to dream of him because for a few minutes in those dreams for some reason I feel really whole but another part of me REALLY DOESN'T. Subconscious, seriously, you have no idea how much it hurts to wake up and realise they're not true. I honestly expected to find him lying there and to have that thing he gave me as well. Jeez. I mean, please give me a break. And the oracle cards? Ugh. First question I got 'extasis' as an answer which basically means a bunch of positive things and healing and stuff. Second answer I got a faery called Faff the Ffooter, which basically said to ground and centre myself. And I did a third card as just a general thing.. and it basically said to trust my gut because it was right. -.- My gut doesn't seem to be right so far. I wish it was, but it doesn't seem to be.

This stupid certainty ought to go away. Along with this horrendous back ache. Ew. I am so tired ;_; And I'm only like majorly tired because my brother has me playing a jenga-like game on the wii on co-operative and I need sleep..