Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Ethereal Entity #11

Wanker.

Utter, utter wanker.

I don't even know why I'm angry. I'm fine. I am. So why am I so angry and grr? This is nothing. This is just stupidity. It is. It's nothing. I am just being stupid. As I told Louise, it is simply a coincidence. That's all it is. Right? Right.

There are coincidences like these all the time. You're being silly and it means nothing. Your life is not a story book. You will not find a fairy tale ending. Stop searching for one. Stop needing one.

Everybody gets killed off in the end.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Ethereal Entity #10

Stop it because you're just hurting yourself and you know that. Ignore it. IGNORE IT.

Okay, so the dreams you can't control but this? This is stupidity in it's most pure form. And you know it so what the hell do you think you are doing Rebecca? Wth do you think you are doing? The only one who cares is you and you don't want to care so you need to stop. Stop everything.

Stop the world because I want to get off.

Ignore your gut. Ignore everything that you think might be telling you something because it isn't. It was wrong with James and it is certainly wrong with this. If he gave a damn about you in the way you wish he did then he would have told you by now. Yes, he's a stubborn, thick ass, but he wouldn't take this long. You're not in a movie and there is no such thing as happily ever after. There never was.

You're gonna die alone and old with nothing but cats for company and you will damn well bloody like it because if you don't you're only in for a shit load more heart break and as we've clearly shown you don't seem to be able to cope with that too well. You let arseholes like Stephen in too readily and you show your damn vulnerability to people like him more easily than anyone bloody else.

Stop giving a fuck about him.

Stop it.

Seriously. It's not helping. It just makes you angry because you don't know what else to do. And you're only angry because you're frightened and hurt. You're not an animal. Pull yourself together.

DO IT.

Ethereal Entity #9

I'm being stupid. It doesn't matter what I noticed. It doesn't.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

I don't need this or thoughts of this.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Ethereal Entity #8

I had a dream last night...

It started off as any normal dream would. I say normal, but what I mean is weird. My dreams are always weird. It was something about Johnny Depp, pirates, a leaky house and some kids and a bathroom...

Then all of a sudden I dreamt I had an email from a girl who was supposed to be my daughter. Apparently I'd given her away or something at the suggestion of her father. She'd somehow tracked me down and wanted to see me, but her father worked somewhere near her school, which was where I was supposed to meet her. For whatever reason, I'm afraid of her father and I feel timid when he's around so I try to avoid seeing him, but it doesn't work. He sees me and doesn't appear to know who I am at first. So I go back home to find an email from this girl who is supposed to be my daughter (and for whatever reason she reminds me of the character I created called Jocasta). She says he's worked out who I am and that she's sorry. So I go to meet her again, but he's there.

Weird thing is, it turns out he's James.

And I'm terrified of him. He yells at me a bit and somehow backs me into this house that is half built but covered enough so that nobody will see us. He's a builder or something for some reason and he's constructing these houses on this estate. Anyway, he's backed me into this house and I'm afraid because nobody can see us and he's being quite vicious with his words. I feel like I did back last year. Like I'm battered and like he's in control of everything and that I don't want to upset him.

And he backs me against this wall and starts kissing me. And I kiss him back even though I'm not sure what I'm doing or that I even want to do this. Between breaths I'm pleading with him and muttering 'no' but it doesn't seem to be sinking in to him and I can't seem to stop myself reacting. At the same time I'm thinking that all I need is to be held and all I need is to feel a little, but there's somebody else's name frantically panning through my mind all the time that I'm letting this dream version of James touch me. He pulls me over to this chair with him and has me straddle him and I know I don't want to but I do it anyway. I don't even know why because I feel afraid and I feel like I'm betraying the person I'm thinking of and knowing that it's him I want and not this... But I still feel trapped. And I'm fighting with myself as I'm kissing James and trying to tell him that it isn't right, but at the same time he's saying it's what I want and what I like. He pushes his tongue in my mouth even though I don't want him to and I can taste the flavour of the mint that he's just swallowed on his tongue and breath. And I know that I'm ready to cry in this dream because I'm so confused and vulnerable and that if I don't act fast I'm going to o something I regret. And the last thought in my dream before I wake is that I want this person instead of James.

Anyway, just wanted to share that and get it out of my system so that I stop thinking about it and do some work instead.