Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The World Was On Fire

Why do you delete somebody out of your life? Maybe because part of you can’t bear that they’re there any more. Or maybe it’s because it hurts to see them, hear them, breathe them…

It’s so easy to erase… at least only with technology.

And typing that has made me realise how I’ve tried to do what Clementine does on a whim in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Except I can’t erase everything. Just like her.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Hopelessly Hopeful

I know, I know: Fall Out Boy lyrics aren’t the most socially cool way of starting a post, but they seem somehow apt and after re-listening to the song (I’ve Got A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth) I can see why they were playing in my head. I know it’s silly, but I find a lot of comfort in lyrics that are poetic or contain complicated thoughts.

Do you ever feel like you’re disappearing or you don’t quite exist? I do sometimes. I feel like I’m dissolving or fading away like the Cheshire Cat and soon all that will be left is a fake smile, but nobody will notice.

November Fic

#flashfiction

In accordance with @LadyAntimony’s November fiction challenge of 250 words, here is my offering:

My Tricksy Precious

“‘One ring to rule them all’… What bull is this? Where’s the original note?”

The paper crumpled in her hand, heavily lined eyes black with anger. How hard was it to follow a set of simple instructions? She should have done it herself. Always expect shoddy work if you send a demon to do a necromancer’s job.

“I thought that was the original note…”

Friday, November 25, 2011

Most Ardently

The thing that I was worrying about is all clear. Negative not positive. So that’s good, really, even though a small part of me is kind of disappointed. I suppose that’s to be expected.

The title of this post is taken from a scene in Pride & Prejudice. My favourite scene, in fact, which is probably because I can see myself in it doing exactly what Elizabeth does because she’s too proud and too hurt, despite the fact she obviously quite likes Mr Darcy. The moment when he says it and you can see his heart in his eyes is so beautiful.

It’s rare anyone truly looks at you like that.

Flash Fiction No. 70

#flashfiction 

Better The Lover You Know

It was the last kiss they would have and she didn’t know it.

He played the smile like he had a thousand times before, almost pulling it off. The question surfaced in her eyes but was brushed away as he hugged her close, hiding his face. He couldn’t let her see what he was about to do.

She stroked his hair, fingers clinging at the nape of his neck, and then kissed him lightly, ready to step on the train. He tugged her back, deepening the kiss, their last kiss. Flushed and bright eyed, she pressed onto the carriage.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Tinctures

Feeling tired and distant today. I’m having trouble getting to sleep properly on a night leaving me maybe three hours sleep a night, which certainly isn’t ideal. My second eldest brother and his wife came over for the last time yesterday.

They’re emigrating to New Zealand to start a new life together there. They spent the day here and then we drove them to where they’re staying later on. For a change, there were no arguments and my brother didn’t make as many digs as usual.

As I’ve said, I feel distant and distracted today so this post may not be entirely all there.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Dumplings

I’m eating stew. It has no dumplings in it, so I thought I’d make up for that by titling this post after them. I’m also trying to distract myself from the fact that, even though it’s delicious, I’m already starting to feel nauseous eating it. It’s amazing what we’ll do for distractions, isn’t it?

I’ve been going to the pub a lot lately even though I can barely afford it. Luckily, I’m blessed with really good friends who distract me from that and other things while I’m there. Next Saturday I’m going out on a more planned night out with a good friend, too. It gives me something to look forward to this week.

I keep trying to find little things to look forward to, pinning significance on barely important stuff to keep myself going. It’s working for the moment.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Flash Fiction No. 68

#flashfiction

Sea Kiss

Brine gathered in her hair, sweeping in then sweeping out like the slow exhale of human breath. Sand clung at her golden curls in a race against the sea. Her still fingers lay curled in the smoothed dunes, half-buried.

She tasted of sea salt and red wine.

Waves crashed against rocks, creating a cacophony of crackles all along the bay, but her lashes did not part to show the blue brilliance of her eyes. Almost shrouded in sand, the bottle by her hand had been finished a long time ago. Dawn light crept rose tinted across her cream skin.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Collecting Your Jar Of Hearts

There are more letters cluttering my floor. It’s better to get things out even if you can’t get any answers. It’s not fair to have things unexplained and left with questions, but if you can’t have the conversation to put your mind at ease and help you to move on, the only thing you can do is get it out.

I’m getting it all out as much as I can, but there seems to be far more than I would ever have thought possible. My days have become sort of vague. Everything is monotonous and the same.

There’s also this terrible vacant, distant thing going on with my head. I don’t feel as if I’m all here most of the time. Days are simply a living distraction where I forget what I’m doing or I do things without any reason. It’s awful. It’s like dissolving.

And I don’t like it one bit.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

A Demon In My Safest Haven

It’s strange when the things that you once took for granted as bits of fun and a joke between friends becomes something you suddenly can’t think about any more. I won’t go on about it, though.

Today is one of my good days where I can pretend that nothing has happened and it wouldn’t do to ruin that. Pretending probably isn’t the best thing I can do, but it’s better than remembering every little touch, I guess. I know that if I do that I’ll drive myself to tears and I don’t want to.

Hanging with great friends is helping keep me distracted. Distraction is all I can do for the most part. That and focus on other worries that I have and other stresses. There are so many that I worry I may end up with yet another migraine, dragged on by all my anxious thoughts.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Flash Fiction No. 67

#flashfiction

Doomed Youth

Liquorice. That’s what it tastes like. I close my eyes and try to enjoy it, but I fear I never will. Liquorice isn’t my favourite taste. I’ve always found it disgusting, but now I can feel the permeability within me.

The stickiness doesn’t shock me. It’s hot and thick.

I wonder why he wants me to do this, but I don’t ask. Questions can be answered later when my stomach is full and the dark whorls in my eyes have returned to their normal size. I suppose they might not become normal, though. Maybe they’ll stay like that.

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Shoot The Moon & Miss Completely

I have a big thing for the moon. I don’t know if I’ve ever told you that, readers, but I do. I always have had. I could stare at it for hours. It’s beautiful. And still. And quiet.

It’s like being watched over by something so bright and so calm when all else in your life is dark. Its beauty is so exquisite and ethereal…

Third life post in a week without a fiction in between, right? Must mean there’s something up. I don’t know. There isn’t really. But sometimes I need to write things out so they aren’t cooped up in my head, pulling my mood deeper and deeper down.

Monday, November 07, 2011

Love Letters

I put my heart in a letter the other night. This letter will probably never see its recipient. It was never meant to be posted anyway – it was just a way to help me get to sleep and stop thinking things out.

A very good friend of mine, one of the best, once told me about how writing letters to people (even if you don’t send them) can help you to deal with things. Maybe it’s because you get out the things you want to say but can’t since you don’t have to worry about what the other person will think and how they’ll react.

Some of us are trapped by thoughts of others (hence my Rabbit Hearted Girl post).

Saturday, November 05, 2011

Here I Am, A Rabbit Hearted Girl

I wish people were braver than they are. It seems to me that, these days, nobody stands up for who or what they love. They just hide it all away in the background and carry on doing what everyone else wants them to do.

Why do people do that?

I know I used to be one of the culprits for this kind of behaviour. Hell, sometimes I still am, but I like to think that I’m a lot braver and a lot stronger than I used to be. I won’t say it was easy making the change, because it wasn’t.

Friday, November 04, 2011

Flash Fiction No. 66

#flashfiction

Rehearsed Sickness

The body in the chair sat at an awkward angle, lips mismatching. The shadows of the room arched and hollowed its face. Sunken eyes stared unseeing at the floor.

Fingers ran over his flesh, which crumpled and flaked as if touched by paint stripper.

The smell had reached her nostrils so many times before, decay and decomposition. It was disturbingly delicious. She patted her pocket where loose tablets jingled. She was supposed to take them every three hours to stop the manifestations and dampen her powers, but where was the fun in that?

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Defunct

Walking home from work I have an awful lot of time to think. Sometimes, like today, I think of things I need to say in a blog post to get them off my chest.

Unfortunately, by the time I get home and complete whatever needs to be completed before I get to my blog… these things jumble themselves away. I wish they didn’t so that I could get them all off my chest at once. The problem is that I only seem to have two real emotions at the minute. Crying and vacancy.

They’re not really my choice of emotions. In fact, I’d rather not have them.